There were many other crazy thoughts and turns, but we won't try to recap them all here. What matters to me even more right now are the most recent developments in this pregnancy.
A few weeks ago, we went in for the 'full-anatomy' ultrasound. Everything looked fine, except that Baby wasn't letting the sonographer get a good view of his heart. So they scheduled us for a second anatomy ultrasound with the area Maternal-Fetal Medicine (MFM) specialists; because of Aubrey's heart defects they wanted to make sure to get a good view of this one. At that ultrasound, we saw the same doctor who had sent us to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City with Aubrey's pregnancy. You know what he said? The same thing he said with Aubrey. Possible heart defects...very small size...schedule a fetal echo at Primary Children's within a few weeks... Wow. Talk about frayed nerves. He also recommended that we do a genetic screening to rule out Trisomy 18, 13, and 21.
That week, needless to say, I was a mess. I alternated between grit-filled days - where I kept myself determinedly busy until I fell into bed, only to fight a panic attack before finally falling asleep - and 'emotional train wreck' days, which I spent staring into space, halfheartedly doing some chores, and sobbing on the couch. How could this all be happening again? We already did this... It felt like the meanest 'Groundhog Day'-like trick nature could have played on us.
On one of these days, a good friend called just to check in on me - she'd heard about everything that was going on and just wanted to see how I was doing. Her kindness was angelic that day - and it only cost her a few minutes! She is inspiring.
Finally, just two days before our trip to Salt Lake, we got the genetic screening results back. Baby is Trisomy 13, 18, and 21 negative! As soon as those words registered in my mind, an ENORMOUS burden lifted from my whole being. This time, my nightmares had not come true! I knew there could still be a million things that could go wrong, but at least it would not be a repeat of last year. Suddenly, I felt more joy and hope than I had felt in a very long time - possibly years. The fears and anxieties not only of the last week but of the whole pregnancy dissipated in an instant. I was pretty astonished to feel the weight of the load I had been carrying as it lifted.
Fast forward two days and we met with the very same sonographer at Primary Children's Hospital (PCH) who had done our first ultrasound with Aubrey. We had prayed that morning for baby to allow the doctors to clearly see what they needed to, and this exam took half the time of Aubrey's! We then met with the same pediatric cardiologist who had seen us through Aubrey's visits.... But this time, there was no soul-wrenching news! No heart abnormalities were visible on Baby - as far as they could tell, his heart would be perfect. Again, a huge weight was lifted from our souls.
Afterwards, we found a little park downtown and had a picnic lunch. I sat watching the families playing in the park, and Davis lying on the blanket next to me. The weather was perfect. Peace and gratitude filled my soul. Does life get this good? I found myself wondering. I felt I didn't even know what to do with so much goodness and peace. "Enjoy it!" Davis said.
In the days that have followed, I've thought a lot about miracles. Was this a miracle? Would our baby have been okay anyway, or had something changed? I decided eventually that my view on it was what mattered most, and attributing all goodness to God would never backfire on me. He had brought about this peace and healing in our lives, and that was what mattered. I do believe that miracles have been brought into our life; we no longer have to see the MFM specialists regularly, Baby's heart looks just fine, and there are no other concerns to speak of! He is still quite petite, but growing at a good rate. We will have a few extra ultrasound visits to monitor his growth, but we do not feel overly concerned at this point, nor do the doctors.
I know that miracles come when we follow the Lord, obey His prophets, and trust in His will. I know that this is far from the end of our story, but I feel that I can't deny the hope and peace that have been brought to my heart by these miracles of the Lord. Small tender mercies have peppered our days since then, reminding me that there is a loving God in heaven, and He does still work miracles on Earth.
