Status: BYU-Idaho ALUMNUS

Wow! Almost two full weeks ago was graduation at BYU-Idaho, and this girl was part of it!

All of the changes and repercussions of graduating are still settling in, and not all of them are bad! (or good...)

Let's examine:

• I can no longer use the fitness facilities or the library (until I get my 'spouse of student' card)
• I can get paid $20/hour teaching English with VIPKID! (hopefully I can start that soon)
• Homework deadlines no longer run my life
• My last, lingering ties to campus have been cut - except for being Alumnus and still living in Rexburg...
• I feel an odd sense of weightlessness and freedom - I can choose how to use my own time!
• ^ that is also a little scary!
• Grad school might actually be a thing of the near future....

Possibly best of all, I really feel that I have done something cool. Impressive, even. For years I had dreamed of first being accepted into a college, and then of graduating from college, and then of going to college, and then of just passing my classes...in that order. Funny thing is, the closer I got to graduation, the less ecstatic I became about leaving it all behind. It really is true - 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone'...or at least almost gone.

Messed up as the school system can be, it was still a building and growing experience and I am so grateful for it. The person that I am today is miles deeper, higher, and wider than the young girl who first got her acceptance letter to BYU. 

I am, without a doubt, changed.

I used to think that Dr. Seuss' 'Oh, The Places You'll Go' was for high school graduates - full of energy and wonder and dreams. Now, on a good day, I feel that it applies to my 'right now' more than ever! I have a smarter head on my shoulders and stronger feet in my shoes. (And I dare say I've learned how to steer a little better, too.)

I've definitely been 'mixed up', and faced mountains to move, I've won and lost, learned and turned; but here I am.

So here's on to the next big thing! And all the dozens of little things that will get us there, turn us around, and make this crazy life what it is. 

 

Internship - And Beyond!

I can't believe I am so close to graduating!

It has been occurring to me recently the scope of what is about to change in our lives. After this semester, ... well, I don't know! So much of my life has been dedicated to the pursuit of a bachelor's degree, I am not sure at all of what to do next.

I had lightly considered the possibility of someday in the far-away future earning a Master's degree, but lately I have been thinking that it might be something to do within the next year or so! Crazy! I have a lot of researching to do on it still, but just the fact that it is a possibility kind of boggles my mind.

Before that though, will come the graduation ceremony, a new job for Davis, hopefully a job for me, and a move to who-knows-where! There is a lot going on!! But we are ready. Our time in Rexburg has been wonderful, if not a little insane, and we have grown so much. Great as it has been, I feel the usual restlessness creeping in and I think I am ready for this change.

As usual, I am not sure why I am writing this! But if anyone actually reads it, cool.

On a festive note - we got our first Christmas tree yesterday!!

Also, last weekend we took a last-minute trip down to Utah because we found out that Aubrey's grave marker had been set! We wanted to be there for the event, but at least it got in before the ground froze. 

That's another weird thing about moving. A few months from now, we likely will not be close enough to visit Aubrey's grave very often at all. I can't yet imagine what that will feel like...probably somewhat like leaving my heart on the road as we drive away. 

October

October was always my favorite month. Not only because it is my birthday month, but because of the beautiful fall colors and smells; the crisp wind that blows crunchy leaves to the ground, and the feeling of cozy contentment that excited my senses.

Then, our baby girl was due to be born in October. We would share a birthday month, and all the joys of the autumn season together. The season would be made ever sweeter by the event of her birth. We so looked forward to her coming.

Now here we are, at the point where she could have joined us, as a healthy, strong baby girl. So much has changed. But you know what is sweet about it? I still love autumn, and I forever will. Because now the crisp wind will also bring with it a remembrance of our one short week with Aubrey. Though she was actually born in the month of August, October will still hold a special charm for me.

Every time I catch myself thinking, 'this is not how it was supposed to be! This is not how nature intended things to go-!', the thought immediately follows - 'But this is how God intended it to be.' For the longest time, that did not bring me much comfort at all. But as I have continued  through the grieving process and my heart has begun to recover trust and faith, I now find great peace in that thought. This is how God intended it to be. I do not know why, and I don't understand, but I am so grateful to have met Aubrey, and I trust that He knows what He is doing.

Her love is so strong I can still feel it whenever I think of her, and as empty and painful as the days become without her, there is always underlying peace in knowing that she is not lost, but waiting. All is as it should be.

I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ will return soon and restore our family; but, until then, we'll be missing you.

Twenty-five

I turn 25 years old today! 'A quarter of a century' as my husband prefers to say. As pleasant as it has been - Davis is a fantastic cook and such a sweet guy 💜 - it's also a bit sobering. Aubrey's original due date was October 11th and we had wondered if I would be giving birth to her today. Life is full of crazy things.

But as I look back, it's really been a great quarter of a century. I've learned what it means to truly love someone, to sacrifice for someone. I've learned to work and to play; been on many road trips and held several jobs and attended two universities.

I found the better half of my heart - the absolute love of my life - and learned what it was like to be apart for years at a time. I lived in Brazil for 18 months as a full time missionary for the Lord Jesus Christ; going to live in a country I knew next to nothing about and without knowing more than a few words of Portuguese.

I came back and married said love of my life and oh the adventures we have had! I have carried two children, and bid both an early farewell. My heart has been broken, torn, twisted and hurt; it has felt the soothing and redeeming pure love of God put it back together even stronger.

All of these things and many more have made me who I am, and looking back I can begin to see that God is making a woman out of me.

So here's to the 26th year! 🎉

Grief

** I had written this a few weeks ago but wasn't ready to post it - or sure if I ever would be. But I feel prompted to post it now - hopefully someday it may serve a purpose. **

Sometimes this is so hard. 

My arms and my heart feel so empty; so void of someone to nurture, someone to care for. For six months I prepared for and dreamed of the day when I would hold my baby and see her beautiful face. I dreamed of her smile, her laugh; even her dirty diapers.  

Now, for once in my life, I don't have a plan. My undergraduate coursework is complete, I lack only an internship to graduate. I had planned on doing it online when Aubrey was a little bit older; now I will do it sooner, but then what? I hadn't planned on (or wanted) a career... 

The only times in my life where I have felt filled with purpose were when I was serving as a full-time missionary for the Lord for 19 months, and when I was providing a physical home and nutrition for my growing babies. I had an honorable, meaningful thing to be doing, and it was hard but I was doing it.  

Now, once again, I am left with empty arms and empty house; my feeling of purpose gone, and my feelings of value greatly diminished.  

(This may seem like a radical statement - we know there is more to life than the single aspect of childbearing, but to me in these dark moments the feelings are very real. All my life I have dreamed of being wife, homemaker and mother. I find great purpose in filling these honorable roles. Twice now, these dreams have become a near reality, and twice they have fallen and shattered. All the while, I watch acquaintances who swore they would never have children, or at least not for a long time, cuddling their little ones and complaining about the hard work of parenting. It is a very real struggle.). 

It is as if I feel myself facing the fundamental questions of life all over again: who am I? Why am I here? What am I to do? What purpose do I have left to me? I feel suddenly somewhat lost in this big world.  

My grief seems to come in days; one day I will feel peace, comfort, and confidence that the next chapter of life will hold something glorious. The next day, I face only emptiness and sorrow. My little baby - Aubrey - is not with me - does not need me anymore; what am I to do?  

I have found, however, that as I work my way through the days, one at a time, and face the questions, the void, the tears, and the peace; that the grief has lessened.  

Each day that I feel peace, I strive to fill myself with the word of God, with sunshine and fresh air, with productivity. And each day that I feel empty, I allow my grief to run its course, all the while reminding myself of the peace of the day before and of the promises of God that one day all will be made right. 

 As I do, I realize that while the pain and sense of loss will never really go away (for which I am honestly grateful; I don’t ever want to ‘get over’ losing Aubrey), each day I am able to come back to myself a little bit sooner. The days can now sometimes be half grief, half comforting peace; sometimes both at the same moment!  

 Maybe, someday, I will even rediscover my value and purpose in the world.  Even as I write, a grand sense of purpose touches my heart. Where it will lead me I have no idea, but I do trust in He who sends it. For today, that is all I need.  

      

        

      “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” Revelation 21:4 

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."  John 14:18 

Aubrey

On August 3rd 2017 our sweet baby girl Aubrey Elizabeth was born. She was 28 weeks 4 days gestation, and weighed 1 pound 9 ounces. She was so beautiful and perfect; but the doctors had decided, based on her ultrasound readings, that the intrauterine environment had become dangerous and it would be best to bring her out into the world.

We had learned a few weeks prior that she had a few heart abnormalities and no matter the circumstance or timing of her birth would need intensive care from the Newborn ICU; so we knew she would be brought there immediately and that without these interventions she would not be able to survive, but it was still so hard to see our little baby with so many tubes and needles, all alone in a stale NICU bed.

Because of her precarious situation, she was put into the minimal stimulation area of the NICU, where visits were encouraged to be only every six hours in order to minimize the stress on the infants. Low voices, low lights, and infrequent touching were all part of the routine.

For seven days we visited her every six hours, around the clock. Once I was discharged from the hospital, we were allowed to stay at the Ronald McDonald House nearby so that it only took about 10 minutes to drive to the hospital. It was such a relief knowing that if anything were to change in Aubrey's condition, we could be at the hospital so quickly.

(By the way, we learned while staying there that in 2015 the Ronald McDonald House in Salt Lake alone received over $10,000 in donations via pop can tabs!! Somehow, they turn those little pieces of aluminum into money and use it to house parents and families in need of housing close to the hospitals. Amazing. So next time you open a can of pop, don't forget to save the tab! It will help pay for someone's safe night. (send it/them to me if you don't want to send it to RMHC - I'll gladly take care of it for you! Even if it's only one - I'm starting a collection jar ;))

In fact, we would soon learn just how important it was that we be near the hospital.
On the sixth day, August 8th, one of Aubrey's doctors and a genetic counselor sat down with us to explain that some genetic testing results had come back and Aubrey did indeed have a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 18 (learn more about this condition here). In short, this meant that both Aubrey's small size and heart abnormalities were explained by this condition, as well as several other things, and also that her chances of 'getting better' and surviving outside of the NICU were slim to none.

That night I woke up just after 2 am. to a missed phone call from one of the NICU doctors. Feeling like my heart (and all of the rest of my insides) were lodged in the back of my throat I quickly dialed the only number we had for the NICU and prayed that the doctor would be close by. She was, and explained that Aubrey's vitals had taken a sudden, violent dip. She had since been restabilized, but was now, as the doctor put it, "stably unstable".

The next day the doctors told us that she had picked up an infection as well, and her signs indicated that she would not last much longer.

All of our family who could had flown out to Utah, so we gathered everyone for a family prayer, and then Davis and I spent the night with Aubrey in a private room in the NICU as she passed away, having lived seven days and brought a tremendous amount of love into the world. In her final hours, we were able to hold her, to smell her sweet scent, and agonize that she would soon move on.

Our experiences with Aubrey taught us that while her life on earth was short, it was perfect. Her situation was a far cry from our idea of perfect, or even good, but she was perfect. She was wonderfully cared for and received the mortal body and experience that she needed. "[She was] too pure, too lovely, to live on earth".

She also taught me a lot about love. All one had to do was to look at her little body to be filled with an almost overwhelming feeling of the most pure love. She had a very strong, wonderful presence. She didn't move much, but she touched every heart. She said nothing, but she changed our whole world.

She taught me about sacrifice. Not only did we go through great pains so that she could be born, but she too went through great pains so that we could have 7 days with her during mortality.

She taught me that you don't have to be great to change someone's world; all you need to do is love.

So many things that we learned from her in just one week; and we are so very grateful for the time that we had to get to know Aubrey and to be with her. We are also so, so grateful to all those who offered prayers on our behalf - please know that your pleadings were not ignored but that it is because of so many prayers for Aubrey that we got to spend so much time with her and that so many other things that could have gone wrong did not go wrong.

Davis and I feel so very blessed and cared for by the Lord and our family and friends and we can't wait to see our girl again. We are grateful to the Lord for making known His Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that families are meant to last throughout the eternities, not just for this mortal life.

I love you, Aubrey.

Lake Michigan

A few weekends ago a friend drove us out to an inlet of Lake Michigan and it was stunning! The pictures tell the story better than I could, so enjoy J 

I had never been to the beach in my Sunday clothes; I'd also never been to the beach when it was frozen!

So much ICE!

This ice on the lighthouse was at least 2 inches thick in some places

I never would have thought that visiting a beach could be so breathtaking, or even worth seeing in the winter, but it certainly was. I loved seeing that it doesn't have to be warm and sunny to explore the grand outdoors; and I was awestruck by the amazing intricacy of the way the ice formed differently in different places. It was a refreshing reminder to me that summer is not God's only season of creation, but He can be found EVERWHERE; even on a frozen beach in the middle of a Midwest winter. :) 

A Sky Full of Promise

This New Year’s celebration was a small one; just us and our immediate families. But it was most certainly my favorite New Year’s ever! As we played games through the passing of the year, I thought about past New Year’s Eve celebrations. My now-husband asked me on my first date the New Year’s before he turned 16. The year before that I had spent the turning of the year on my family’s couch, praying that somehow the next year wouldn’t be so lonely. (A prayer which was most certainly answered beyond what I had dared to dream)

This New Year’s was certainly the best by far ;) His parents always have the ball drop event from New York City on the television for the last 2 minutes or so and then celebrate the ‘official’ beginning of the New Year with a kiss. As we were at their house for our celebration, we joined in by sharing a kiss of our own (and maybe a few more ;).

After the festivities when we decided it was time to head out, I persuaded my husband to come out into the back yard with me to look at the stars. He willingly complied, even though it was FREEZING outside. We talked for a minute or two, and then he pulled me into a hug. I looked up at the stars again, and suddenly, the sky seemed to be a representation of our future; each star in the heavens representing brilliant moments of growth and learning through which we will pass together, and each one shining gloriously.

Some of these learning spurts we have already overcome, and they have taught me that there can be beauty even in the midst of great pain – but we usually can’t see it until we can look back at the experience from a good distance. But still they are beautiful, defining moments in our lives.

A favorite verse of scripture is found in the book of Ether. Jared and his people have been spared at the Tower of Babel and now are wondering where they should go. Jared asks his brother, “saying: Go and inquire of the Lord whether he will drive us out of the land, and if he will drive us out of the land, cry unto him whither we shall go. And who knoweth but the Lord will carry us forth into a land which is choice above all the earth?” (Ether 1:38)

Yes, the future is seemingly uncertain, and there are many things to cause us fear or uncertainty. But, as Jared said, who knows? The future will probably be glorious. Maybe the Lord will give us not only good, but the best. All we need to do is follow Him, keep His commandments, and obey His word and we are promised all the blessings of heaven. 

And so, Happy New Year!! May it be filled with love, purpose, and light.