** I had written this a few weeks ago but wasn't ready to post it - or sure if I ever would be. But I feel prompted to post it now - hopefully someday it may serve a purpose. **
Sometimes this is so hard.
My arms and my heart feel so empty; so void of someone to nurture, someone to care for. For six months I prepared for and dreamed of the day when I would hold my baby and see her beautiful face. I dreamed of her smile, her laugh; even her dirty diapers.
Now, for once in my life, I don't have a plan. My undergraduate coursework is complete, I lack only an internship to graduate. I had planned on doing it online when Aubrey was a little bit older; now I will do it sooner, but then what? I hadn't planned on (or wanted) a career...
The only times in my life where I have felt filled with purpose were when I was serving as a full-time missionary for the Lord for 19 months, and when I was providing a physical home and nutrition for my growing babies. I had an honorable, meaningful thing to be doing, and it was hard but I was doing it.
Now, once again, I am left with empty arms and empty house; my feeling of purpose gone, and my feelings of value greatly diminished.
(This may seem like a radical statement - we know there is more to life than the single aspect of childbearing, but to me in these dark moments the feelings are very real. All my life I have dreamed of being wife, homemaker and mother. I find great purpose in filling these honorable roles. Twice now, these dreams have become a near reality, and twice they have fallen and shattered. All the while, I watch acquaintances who swore they would never have children, or at least not for a long time, cuddling their little ones and complaining about the hard work of parenting. It is a very real struggle.).
It is as if I feel myself facing the fundamental questions of life all over again: who am I? Why am I here? What am I to do? What purpose do I have left to me? I feel suddenly somewhat lost in this big world.
My grief seems to come in days; one day I will feel peace, comfort, and confidence that the next chapter of life will hold something glorious. The next day, I face only emptiness and sorrow. My little baby - Aubrey - is not with me - does not need me anymore; what am I to do?
I have found, however, that as I work my way through the days, one at a time, and face the questions, the void, the tears, and the peace; that the grief has lessened.
Each day that I feel peace, I strive to fill myself with the word of God, with sunshine and fresh air, with productivity. And each day that I feel empty, I allow my grief to run its course, all the while reminding myself of the peace of the day before and of the promises of God that one day all will be made right.
As I do, I realize that while the pain and sense of loss will never really go away (for which I am honestly grateful; I don’t ever want to ‘get over’ losing Aubrey), each day I am able to come back to myself a little bit sooner. The days can now sometimes be half grief, half comforting peace; sometimes both at the same moment!
Maybe, someday, I will even rediscover my value and purpose in the world. Even as I write, a grand sense of purpose touches my heart. Where it will lead me I have no idea, but I do trust in He who sends it. For today, that is all I need.
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” Revelation 21:4
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